Thursday, 23 July 2015

Where is Quonthar Couragesauce?

There's been a bit of hufflepuff on the forums by nerds claiming there's a new Abbaddon imperial Issue coming out due to CCP dropping some RP-heavy lore porn for the LARP brigade. Rather than dress up as high Elf Lord Quonthar Couragesauce and fondling their way through a Furry convention, as per usual, the lore porn afficionadoes took the RP post at it's word and are even arguing with CCP Falcon (killjoy extraordinaire) who has stated, unequivocally, there won't be Imperial issue battleships.

Ha! What would he know?

I admit, I don't much keep up with the lore progression in EVE. I hear there's these Drifter things, and they are aggroing the Amarr navy or something, and this is ust a bit of a cotangent to the story arc that is developing, with rumours the Drifters are going to annihilate the Amarr Empire and Empress Jamyl or something. What do i know? Nuffin'.

However, there's been what could loosely be described as a progression of the Lore and the emergent sandbox mechanisms which have been evolving in parallel. The devolution of NPC control of the whole of EVE to player control has been steady, matched by Lore hoo-hah which sometimes clumsily seeks to explain sordid game balance moves in a LARP-ish way, much like a fat nerd wheezing out his scripted make-believe lines in a forest glen, clad in spandex and heat-set plastic formed Elven War Armour, as a gaggle of dumpy Elf princesses in Walmart-era attire down packets of Cheetos behind Lord Quonthar. Some of the contrivances are trite and forced, like the whole Entosis shit.

No one gives a shit. Fozziesov station laser. Pew pew pew. Less nerd, more nukes.

However, one arc of the Lore has been sown last year and clearly the seeds have lain fallow and un-germinated in the ground ever since. Do you remember when Ghost Sites came out a year or two ago (whenever, I can't fucking remember when, i care so little)? There was a video or trailer or something of some evil gate to the underworld, blah blah, cataclysm.

Well, clearly that went nowhere fast, but those Ghost Sites spawned a bunch of weird tech and weird items, which got bought up by lore nerds or speculators, or (rumour has it) Goons or N3 or PL or maybe CODE or some boogeyman, who has a monopoly on these items because the interpretation of the players, after watching the video, was that we would be able to build our own gates. To Jove space.

Then when all the gates and routes in Jove space disappeared, the lore porn nerds declared "Aha!" and got frothy loins. We would be building star gates to Jove space within weeks. instead, we got Circadian Seekers and Drifters, and then Drifter Wormholes (like Barbican, blah blah), and now there's some shit you can get from the Jove Observatories called Antikythera. Purpose: unknown.

So here we are, mid-2015, with some long and way, way too drawn out lore excursion still plodding along at a terribly glacial pace, with even a war between Amarr and the Drifters not even properly kicking off. Now there's new Drifter content in incursions, because what we really need is even more reason to do Incursions. We need the Lore nerds to mate with the neckbeards of the incursion fraternity, because what EVE needs is what can best be described as the progeny via rape of Cthulhu fucking an infantile and petulant Mothra with autism. Yeah, that'swhat's about to hit TQ and the forums, some ungodly melange of Incursion tards wheezing about Lore and grandstanding like they give a shit about more than ISK/hr and affording trillion ISK ratting Machs. Good for the game it will be!

Also, when the fuck will Quonthar Couragesauce get to see the real shit hit the mithril fan and spread chaos and destruction across the universe?

What about that shit we got from Ghost Sites, Jove Observtories? Will the super sekrit sekrit purpose of all this be revealed this year, or 2017, so that we finally know what it's worth and whether it is even fucking worth going into Barbican and clearing the Drifter Wormhole content in any sense or fashion whatsoever. I mean, no one even talks about them now. One week of people finding them, then zero chatter, zero fucks given, and probably zero content used. I mean, the whole idea of Drifters + Wormholes + should I go = nope, fuck that, not losing my ship to get anonymous, worthless shit i can't use and no one is buying.

My problem with this is that really, no one really cares. Let's assume the Drifters are going to nuke Domain, even one gate in Domain, and people are going to have to club together and build a player owned star gate. Who the fuck has these components we allegedly, reputedly, mythologically may or may not need to build said gate? Who has them, did someone hoard them and are they even subbed anymore? 33% chance they aren't.

How are we supposed to give a shit? Quonthar Couragesauce is blabbering in the shade of his Mythic Oak, holding the Conch of Speaking, and the gamemaster is handing out LARP talismans or whatever, and everyone's standing around waiting for shit to happen.....and it's not.

IMO, CCP needs to get on with it. Burn Domain to the ground, blow up 75% of the gates, make the useless cunts in highsec suffer some actual inconvenience, make it a 20 jump trip from Jita to Amarr, knock out all gates into Niarja (soz CODE) and put the remedy components and stargate shit out in deep zero point zero, forcing the queeflords running incursions to actually go do something risky.

Doubt it. Just more ISK for hisec, more ISk for nullsec krabs, more snooze, more lose.


  1. Wow. Hapoy to see Bugry is still going strong. I miss eve and the corp. Cheers, Tf!

    1. You are always welcome back if you start playing again.

    2. I'm giving it a lot of thought. The summer is especially busy, but some september ya might just see me.

  2. Yeah, I have a similar feeling not so elequently put. There's a shitload of smoke and mirrors but EvE is the same with slightly more annoying gameplay mechanics.

    I remember reading about new AI, structures, PVE, and new space eagerly... over a year ago. There's been a lot of activity from CCP, but in general they are taking existing mechanics and just screwing around.

    As entertaining as it is to see people get blapped by a drifter battleship - they've added jack all for any kind of real content except providing entosis material; which I consider of dubious value.

    I pay for two accounts, and it's been a long while since I logged on and thanked CCP for a change. I think the last time I thought, wow, this is cool - was when they added the mobile depot.

    Get off your ass and stop pretending that updating shaders and that adding 100 new wormhole systems equates to great content... It's not like WH space was overcrowded and we needed another 100 systems to roll through.

    I also don't understand the mentality of "Add a shitload of money to Nullsec," but lets nerf capital escalations and not address the fact that we've completely de-valued data sites (end rant).

    Still a fun game, but I would like to get something I can sink my teeth into. Also, fuck burner missions.

    1. Yep. Galatea looks like an update of nothing. maybe 100 more SKINs and maybe they'll tweak the Rokh's CPU or something equally trivial.


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