Monday 3 August 2015

A Love Letter to Shirag

Shirag, Shirag, Shirag. Why do you play this game? You now have five losses to your name, sir, which is the well recognised point at which you should really biomass yourself. We're all awaiting it, keenly.

I mean, yes, you have killed as of this date 458 things. These are mostly POS modules. 368 of 458, a handy 80% of what you and your corp kills are passive assets which cannot defend themselves. This leaves a real pew pew index of non-Industrial and non-capsule ship kills of 47, or just over 10%!

We have met only a few times, Shirag, and your alts and friends. Every time, you instantly roll all your connections, lest anyone ever attack your passive assets and trash your killboard by destroying things of yours which don't fight back. If you see too many people, I have seen you warp back to POS and log off. If I call out in Local the names of your toons that are online, you warp back to POS with them, and also log them off. It has been one of the most frustrating pains in the balls to me, seeing you literally not taking a single risk to the point you sign out within seconds of someone coming in your hole.

But then CCP put higgs rigs in the game, and you and Arctic Light and other Nordic types seem to have come up with, disseminated amongst yourselves, and pioneered the Fagroller cloaky higgs rigged nullified T3. Last time we met, though you don't remember me because, doubtless I am just another one of those bads trying to shit up your killboard and cause you to have lossmails and spend ISK, your execution of the Fagroller doctrine impressed me mightily and I adopted it. It's now my thing.

This time, when I saw you on d-scan, in your Faroller Proteuses, all four of you guys or alts, I marshalled my troops. I mean, you were lucky. We had just moved in to the hole, so we didn't really have as many interceptors as we would have wished, and half the corp was offline. We had what we had and ho we had.  But that's besides the point. You fucked up because you are a risk-averse muppet. Risk averse muppets make this game shit, but at the same time, successfully killing you was high on my to-do list, right after your mum.

So how do you catch the elusive Shirag, in his home environment, flying the slippery Fagroller Proteus with it's 3 warp core stabs of Maximum Gayness?

Well, it really comes down to mass sabotaging the hole. But you need to do it just right, Goldilocks style. I mean, the Shirag, he watches you while he's cloaked. He sees what you jump in and out. He sees you rolling through in a Legion or two. But he has no idea if you are higgsed. He has no idea if you are using your 10MN MWD or your 100MN AB. But he doesn't know if you used a 100MN and a higgs rig, or not. So you jump. You jump a bit more. You add, precisely, 175Kt to the hole. Because when the Shirag jumps in for his third run out of four, instead of it having just 200Kt left, it has 25Kt (plus or minus). It looks crit. But it's supercritical.

So your choice, dear Shirag, though you didn't know it because how could you know it, was to be a risk averse muppet and lose one of your two Proteus Fagrollers, or to take a risk and evacuate out the other static and close the hole safely with your 100MN on. One requires calculated risk, and a bit of work the other is what a scared lazy fuck muppet would choose.

You chose poorly, dear Shirag, trying to jump both toons at once. I am not sure if you had your 100MN on or not, how can I know? But either way, even if you didn't, one of your ships was going to get stuck. It happened.

So we killed you. 

That required a double-scram Astero, thanks to all your stabs. The stabs did nothing. So you ejected, lest you suffer a fate worse than death, being a pod lossmail.

Alas, you thought you could escape and bounce about until downtime. Maye log in, pull your implants, and then suicide out. The prime directive, of course, was for you to avoid your fifth ever lossmail. This was not to happen! You chose poorly, and being a muppet, you warped back to a safe you already used, and we got you.

I hope you enjoy the 40% of your lossmails, courtesy of Sudden Buggery pod cleaning service. Free of charge.

I also hope that this liberates you from your risk averse muppetness. I doubt it. But I wonder - what will you do when Entosis play comes to wormholes via Citadels? How will you get 80% of your killmails then, Shirag? How will you play a game for years and years into the future when you might have to....take a risk, which includes also risking it to defend your own Citadels?

Sincerely yours,

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