Operation Creampie

There are millions of Russians IRL, and it seems that quite a few of them have nothing else to do once they've drunk their supply of horseradish vodka, eaten some pirogi's and munched on turnips hatched by yetis, than play EVE Online.

In EVE online, in wormholes, you have two types of Russians. Blobby Russians, who are supported by Starbridge's batphone (once a batphone made of MacGyver and Batman's lovechild; now not as efficient) and nooby Russians. The latter are probably not affiliates of Vladimir Putin; the former report to him for every single ISK lost to being fail.

I had previously thought that type one was easy to distinguish from type two, especially in C5-C6 space, where the second type exclsively inhabits C5's with C1 or C2 statics, never run their sites, and typically have failburger POSs. The C5/C1 and C5/C2 constellations are for bears trying C5 space out but unable to cut the umbilical to hisec which a C1, C2 static affords.

So, when our contact in Axiom Inc. reported via our Batphone (which is made of two beer cans connected by dental floss) a large Shadow POS with only blasters for defence, in a C5, and said he had already organised a carrier and dread for the siege, would we like to come? I of course said "bleargh, drunk, but whatever the fuck yeah lets do this bitch like Rocco Siffredi on a Viagra bender!"

As you may guess, I am a pathological planner, so we whipped around a few concepts for the siege. We worked out the large blasters were the only threat, having 80km max range, and hence with was tier 3 BC's, cruise Ravens, etc, to sit comfortably outside the range of the POS's defences. Dread would incap the neuts, dissy, ECM, and it would be gravy. Of course, due to Batphone mistralsation, we missed the fact this was a C5 Pulsar.

Cue epic epicness of epically long reinforcement. The Russians sign in halfway through, and proceed to defend their POs with POS gunnery. They soon enough discover they haen't put ammo in their guns - the POS shot a total of 14 times. Even our scrub in a Caracal managed to survive (and this is, remember, after I told him not to come on account of the blasters raping him). So, much lols.

Then we discover that these failburger Russians are Type 1 Russians, not Type 2 as expected. It turns out this was a corp of alts who were basically owned by the CEO of Starbridge. Threats of annihilation and desecration of Axiom Inc's C6 home, sisters and porn subscription details soon came in, and we of course feared 100 RR Tengus at any moment.

Axiom Inc. felt a bit of trepidation and took a break from the final push, as the situation was discussed and politics wrangled. Having absolutely no compunctions about annoying Starbridge, BUGRY of course pushed on relentlessly. In fact, I think the guys responsible were probably mostly AFKing it with sentry Ishtars and Domis at that time.

Of course, control of the C5 was maintained and 2 of the alt corp's alts were trapped out in probers, resulting in the Russians electing to SD their caps and pull a logoffski in their freighter, rorqual and so on. The loot Pinata was beaten, and much candy fell out.

Then came the great POS Mod Killmail Harvest; 96 guns and defensive mods all up, murdered by 4 very bored gentlemen. Operation Creampie was declared a resounding success and our noob in the Caracal, who literally a few days before had been worrying about sucking ABC's in a C2, found himself in possession of 200M ISK in the space of 48hrs.

In the end, deploying blaster-only defences without dampeners to force the enemy onto the guns was retarded. But even so, putting ammo in the guns would have been a good move. So, it seems Starbridge and the Type 1 Russians have their retarded moments.